wish fulfillment...

I wandered lonely,
but in a crowd - and wished to
God I were a cloud...

If I were a botanist, I'd tell you about the flowering cacti; if I were an ornithologist, I'd tell you about the birds; if I were a geologist, I'd tell you about the rock formations. But I'm none of these - I'm a plonker, so I'll tell you about the plonk. It's a Cabernet Sauvignon* (carton of), and I don't have to share it with anyone: I'm all alone, in glorious isolation - just me and my day-glo pink mug, as cheeky a little number as the plonk itself - atop a little piece of the Andes with views to die for, and am about to almost literally descend upon my favourite solar restaurant. All for the sake of art.
And as for it being tough at the top - well, bollocks to that. It's just that it's a bit of a scramble getting there - one or two of the slopes are so steep you start breathing heavily just looking at them. But it´s often just the initial slopes, then after that it´s uphill all the way. So to speak. Cheers for now...


*(Be not afeard, Health and Safety nuts and impressionable children - I have plenty of water, as well)

More anon, when I finally drag myself away from this place...

solitude - grossly underrated...

I wandered lonely
as a cloud - "to sing, to belch
and to fart aloud"...

- when it comes to poetry, you can't beat the Romantics -

'twas but a cactus that arose between two thorns...

"roses? who needs'em? -
as a matter of facti
much prefer cacti"...

"immortality beckons!" (he reckons)

he tries to keep death
at arm´s length by starting his
trips from Dignitas...

"they like to help people on their way, right?"...

**********************************************************

Every capital city has its USP, and - apart from the occasional heart-warming, and profoundly silent, glimpse of distant snow-capped Andean peaks suddenly, somehow always unexpectedly, revealing themselves between office blocks - Santiago´s appears to be something called ´terremoto´ (earthquake), a vicious concoction famously available in a well-known spit-and-sawdust cantina called La Piojera (translates as ´fleapit´, so you know what to expect). It´s not for the faint-hearted:- spoon a couple of scoops of sugary pineapple ice-cream into a beer glass, fill to the top with fermented wine, add a generous dash of some mysteriously dark liquor, stand a straw up in it, and bing-oh-dear-me! Like medicine, it takes a bit of drinking - but you sure as hell feel better afterwards. Well, I did*. Goes well with salmon and custard, apparently.
OK, so the last bit was a joke, but the rest wasn´t.

*according to a recent straw poll, 9 out of 10 straws did, too (that´s another joke).

Farewell, Santiago, hello Vicuña. It's looking good - it's looking very good...

Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Vicuña, Norte Chico.

terremoto (see above) - it really does make the earth move...

she´d arrived at the pub
with a smile on her mush -
by the time she had left
it had moved to her tush...


sadly, this is in no way autobiographical - I was on my own...

******************************************************

and now, one or two more of the many that have been pending for the best part of quite a long time:....

a verse to solitude...

"he who is averse
to solitude is averse
to freedom" - discuss...

bread and a red...

"who says you can´t toast
a baguette?" - he raised his glass:
"to baguettes," he laughed...

does a bed´s water capacity include the drip on top?...

"I can´t sleep at all
on my new waterbed - the
water´s far too hard"...

as he locks the door and heads for Chile...

tossing a coin's
a little bit silly -
but it's 'tails for Asia
and heads for Chile'...

Bugger - so Chile it is. For 4 months...

A brief hiatus will now follow till the next post - maybe a week or so - and then, who knows?
Whatever the reasons for opting to re-visit that particular country, the word 'laziness' would have to figure in there somewhere. Full of splendours and fond memories though Chile is, it's probably not in my top ten countries.
Decision-making processes are not always easy to explain.
That said, I'm basically happy enough to be anywhere that's not Doncaster on a Friday night. (3 years on, and I've still not forgotten.)
Following the recent news item that police forces nationwide are being advised not to use phrases such as "evenin' all" or "good afternoon" for risk of 'offending' anyone, I can think of no better time to leave the country, if only temporarily, now that we're all officially "mad".
And, if the plane crashes, those will be my last words. Now these will be...and now these...and - bugger, get me out of this...

Back in England-upon-Thames at the end of February, God willing.

Yeah, those'll do.

as in 'gooseberry'? - if I am the fruit, then hers were the loins...

my mother knew I'd
make something of myself - 'a
fool,' I think it was...

don't just smell the roses - grow them...

just loosen those reins
and take a chance - 'if life's a
ball, it's best to dance'...


'una vida sin riesgos no es una vida' - (sounds better in Spanish) - 'a life without risks is no life'...

a stone's throw from the bus stop...

you should never miss
a bus - even moving, it's
such a large target...


don't try this at home, children - wait till you get outside...

some people are never happy...

the efforts I'd made
were sterling - sadly, it was
dollars he'd asked for...

well, you can't be kiwis, then...

"call us bananas
if you like, we can take it -
we're pretty thick-skinned"...

and don't even think of mounting the curb...

don't take viagra
before driving - you'll only
try jumping the lights...

a nightingale cried in Berkeley Square...

the old man gave up
his bench to the young thug. "You're
welcome," smiled the thug...

stupid tw*tt...

I was 'Richard' - that's
'Dick', which rhymes with 'prick'...so I
changed my name. To 'Matt'...

pre-used doggies...

that bloody dogs' home...
I've just had to return mine -
the bugger was chipped...


(hope it wasn't a Staffordshire - Ed.)

tough love ('hey, she's deflating as I speak - that's good, right?')

"so why the spare tyre,
pet? in case you get a flat
stomach?" - dream on, lass...

disembarking on a relationship...

on cruise ships, if you
want to get off with someone -
get on with no-one...

'footprints in the sand' - at least atheists' are low carbon...

if the Lord IS your
light - turn the b*gger off and
help save the planet...


it's what He would have wanted...

we're having to keep it from him...

Jack's sense of humour's
so sick, the doctor's warned us
he could die laughing...

'he who is without syntax, let him cast the first stone'...

"Luvely wether, guv!"
said the tramp (spelling his was
diabolical)

the credit crunch & mass perturbation...

bugger 'bashing the
bishop' - 'bash the banker': far
more fun - AND it rhymes!

"laugh? - tears were running down my trousers"...

"I've learnt to laugh in
the key of C - for A and
B just make me pee"...

the trip of a lifetime...

I might be getting
on a bit* - but hey, it beats
having to get off...


*(that's 'bit' in the sense of 'lot' - as another birthday comes and goes...hey, ho - onwards and downwards...)

why can't the cops Nick Griffin?...

the only GB
the BNP stands for's the
one in GBH...


Odious BNP leader appears on Question Time tonight...

my dear old thing, stick to higher mathematics...

"vulgar fractions and
common denominators? -
dear boy, how ghastly"...

exchange and mart...

I've just got some golf
clubs for the Mrs. Not a
bad swap, that, really...

a cuter face, acuter brain...

a wife may follow
your train of thought, but she'll still
reach the station first...


"my wife's a cerebral stalker - she follows my every word"...

I'll love you forever (at an hour at a time)

"how much for an hour?" -
"50 pounds, all in" - "and if
I don't go that far?"...

all things (not so) bright - and beautiful (verses 1 & 2)

"the kettle's boiling,
ma!" - "no wonder, honey - I've
never known such heat"...

*************************************

- more tease maid than char lady -

she's just my cup of
tea - hey, her looks can even
turn a kettle on!...

surreal ale...

"New here?" - "Yep." - "Thought so.
Me, too." - "Right, sir - what'll it
be?" - "Usual, please"...


based on a recent true incident - and not an Irishman in sight...

stool pigeons: just the job for sitting ducks...

of course I've heard of
a flight of stairs - but not as
yet this flight of chairs...


'the very latest in high chairs - very high chairs'...

the monochrome rainbow brigade...

just when did 'Land of
Hope and Glory' become 'Land
of Health and Safety'?...


- when all other risks are eliminated, that of ridicule will remain -

a blonde* speaks out...

"I'm the last person
to give value judgements - I
think they're unhelpful"...


*she's a bottle blonde, to be fair - so she's not naturally dumb...

*(conditions apply)

--------------------------------
I love you*



*for an unspecified and limited period only. weight gains of over 3-4lb not permissable. food must be of a reasonable standard and served on time - foodstuffs to be avoided: semolina and offal. no more than 2 minor disagreements per week. no rants or nose-based jokes. appreciation of 17 syllables and tolerance of Lloyd Webber a given. daily playings of 'Nella Fantasia' and 'Time To Say Goodbye' must be unreservedly accepted. hair colour to go no darker than at present, nor shorter. ability to laugh at jokes under pressure, even if considered unfunny. amount of love in question will be in inverse proportion to demands on wallet. the phrase 'I have a headache' can be used under no circumstances, except by myself. no snoring. saturdays off from 9:00am - 1:00pm. all shopping to be be carried out unaccompanied. the words 'I love you' do not constitute a contract, nor are they in any way legally binding. conditions subject to change without warning.

"now then, give us a kiss"...

my mum chipped in for me (I can't do that, either)

I sure sliced a hard
bargain when I bought my clubs
(my driving's rubbish)


(based on a recent stroke of fortune: a month or so ago I walked into an Oxfam shop looking for a wine rack and came out with a set of left-handed golf clubs for 10 quid. Great value, of course - though the wine does keep falling off'em...)

tea and briskets it is, then...

"want a macaroon?"
I asked my friend - "no, thanks," she
said, "I don't like fish"...


(based on a true incident - I can only assume she was thinking of mackerel)

synonyms: (1) a fish'll do...

"would Sir like red or
green Thai curry?" - "black Thai, please -
it's a formal do"...

unpalletable cargo...

a ship passed in the
night, and all of my secrets
were taken on board...

Dannii, especially, I don't trust (her ii's are too close together)

those talentless X
Factor no-hopers - they've no
right to be judges...

the minute waltz (a hopeless opus)

these days, the best part
of the night rarely lasts the
best part of the night...


- more 'Waning Powers' than 'Austin Powers' -

el menu turistico - hoy: paella ingles...

gazpacho,
pollo,
carne de vaca,
cerdo,
conejo,
pescado,
gambas,
calamares,
arroz,
papas,
lentejas,
ensalada,
steak and kidney pie
ella...

it does what it says on the tin...

opening my tin
of evaporated milk
I found that it had...

joyriding...

it's 'mirror, signal,
pass the liquor, jump the lights
and see who's quicker'...

the asterisk in modern liter*ture...

To quote a well-known bestselling author:

"What's the world coming to? Am I the last m****rfucker still using asterisks?"

sorry, vicar...

it's cheese and onion that turns the Mrs on...

I was burnt to a
crisp on holiday. Bugger -
salt and vinegar...

verse-atility...

MRI doesn't
only rhyme with CGI -
the bugger scans, too...

sits. vac....

Part-time assassin
required. Must be prepared to
work Saturdays. Tel...